I Just Know.

I couldn't sleep. I am used to sleeping late recently but this time, I know its different. I have been blogging lately that deals with a variety of stuff and after writing and venting out what I need to say, I suddenly feel great. (Even though only two or three reads it. It's my blog after all, my space.) And I know this time I should air these thoughts and feelings out just to give me a good night's sleep.

Hoping and expecting. Two totally different words. On the early part of my journey I am pretty sure that I was just hoping. I am also pretty sure that everyone who knows me were expecting. And I tried really hard to meet those expectations, their expectations. I came to a point where I pressured myself to achieve what I thought they wanted me to achieve badly. Days and nights I kept thinking about how they would react if I fail and how they would react if its the other way around. To make it short, I was living up to their expectations.

I WAS WRONG.

Just recently, I am already not sure if I was just hoping or I reached the point of being on the thin line that separates hoping from expecting. Then I realized, why did I feel like a failure? Because I wasn't hoping, I expected and that caught me. All this time I wasn't living up to their expectation. I was living up to my own expectation. I created a pressure monster and decided to let it haunt me, myself. All this time I was trying to reach the standards that I myself established and how foolish of me to pass it on to them.

As I have said, hoping and expecting are two different words, totally different words. I misinterpreted them hoping being them expecting. I could see now that hoping is a good thing. You see, when you hoped you would do this and in the end you didn't, you still feel good about yourself. But when you expected and didn't have it, you'll end up feeling like a failure. You'll end up not noticing the wonderful events that take place in your life.

You'll end up being like me. Yes, I was so caught up thinking I was a complete failure. I didn't even for a second notice the great things He has given me, most especially a wonderful family.

My mom hoped. (I know because I happened to bump to one of her text messages to someone.) For a while I thought she was disappointed but she was not. She just hoped but still felt good about the outcome. It was evident for she made it a point to celebrate the night and she even talked about how much a lechon would cost. (Mom, I am still not changing my mind about not getting one though. :D) And she texted almost everyone she had numbers with and said she was so proud.

My dad hoped. (I just know. He isn't a vocal type of dad but I know.) I also thought he'd be disappointed but he was not. He took my hand, gripped it real hard. (It's his way of saying, "Way to go, kiddo!") And he didn't stop bugging my mom telling her to text his side of the relatives. And I know he is proud and not disappointed because his FB status said so. :)

Grandpa hoped. (I know because he asked me if I got in.) He was never disappointed. He rubbed my head and genuinely smiled. (His way of saying, "That's alright.")

Timmy hoped. (I know because she said so. :P) She was not disappointed, at all. She made sure I never felt bad and never again with her silly jokes and encouragements.

All of you hoped. (I know because you believed in me.) But you were not disappointed. I thought you were, but I thought wrong. At the point in my life where I felt I failed, you were there backing me up. Helping me put my feet back on the ground, as the song goes. :)

I didn't publish this to gain sympathy. I published this to express my gratitude to God, to my family, to you. And I published this to make you learn things I just learned. 

"View the world in different perspectives, not just your own personal perspective. You are not a failure, you just wanted to look at things that way. Try looking at things differently, you'll see."

The Bourne ENMITY

Just this morning, I was awakened by my mother saying that I must accompany my grandfather. I couldn't and I shouldn't say no because of two things: First, he is my grandfather. Second, we are going to the mall. :)

The plan was just, together with my mom, we are going to meet my aunt who would like to treat my grandpa for lunch. (including me, she has no choice :p) Grandpa expressed his long time wish to go and visit the newly opened mall, so he was excited. We ate at some restaurant known for its famous chicken. We ordered and told us that we would have to wait for about 15 to 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, the "Kare-kare" arrived. And another 20 minutes later, the Fried Chicken was served. And another 20 minutes later, the pitcher of cold tea arrived. (So that's what they meant about 15 to 20 minutes. Oh.)

Anyway, the entries in the 2nd paragraph (especially the last ones) were not that important for this article's topic. I just wanted to vent out my comments and complains regarding that restaurant. (evil laugh)

Now here we go, as we nearly finished gobbling our lunch, my aunt and mom asked grandpa, "Do you like to watch a movie at the cinema?" Who would say no to that? Grandpa just smiled and said, "Why not, I already have the opportunity to do so." By the way, grandpa is around 70+ years old, just for your information. Then grandpa aired out that he would like to watch "The Bourne Legacy."

The Bourne Legacy it is. Not only grandpa was excited, even me. On our way to the cinema's entrance, something came across my mind. It was the news I saw and heard  that many Filipinos got dismayed because the movie did not feature the Philippine's beauty, instead it only featured the opposite. I was never really a fan of the "Bourne" series so I have really or no idea at all as to what the plot is. And this would be my chance to have a glimpse of it.

(I would love to post the story line but that would a spoiler to those guys who have not yet seen it. I'd just point out some of the major things in order to have my say regarding the complains of our fellow movie goers.)

Jason Bourne was a character born to be chased, if you know what I mean. I believe in all Bourne movies, scenes of him being chased and hunted would always be part. Here's the thing, the movie would be realistic and convincing because of certain factors. One, the actors. Two, the story line. Three, the set.

Wouldn't it be much convincing if the characters would cloak near areas which are crowded? I mean, the area in Manila where Bourne hid was perfect for the scene. Yes, it looked stinky, crowded, and it was a mess. But hear me out, it wouldn't be nice to see him hiding in a "beautiful" resort", eating at some "high-class" restaurant, and staying at a "top of the line" rest house, right?

Picture this:

Jason Bourne in a torn and worn-out clothes.
Policemen everywhere.
A lot of running, jumping, chasing, kicking, punching, body slamming.
Birds chirping.
Breeze blowing softly.
Waves splashing at the shore like hymns.
Beautiful sunset.
White sand.

Awkard, right?

Now picture this:

Jason Bourne in a torn and worn-out clothes.
Policemen everywhere.
A lot of running, jumping, chasing, kicking, punching, body slamming.
People of the neighborhood shouting and yelling, "They're here. Police hurry up!"
Horns blowing hard for the traffic the chase caused.
Fruits, vegetables, and goods displayed splatting, tables overturned.
Crowded market and slum area.
Pitch black street alleys and corridors.

Convincing, right?

An international interview with the movie's director/scriptwriter, Tony Gilroy, recently became viral. He was asked why he chose Manila. He simply answered, "It's stinky and ugly." Without taking into consideration the "movie" itself, I would understand why people didn't take his response positively. I mean who would not react if your place would be rated as stinky and ugly?

Tony just answered the question. He didn't throw a personal comment to step down on us. He was looking for a spot that would fit with the movie's plot, and that spot needed to be stinky and ugly. The scenes were shot to complete the movie. They were not shot to fulfill our aspirations to showcase our beautiful spots. It was all just for the movie, the movie's story. It was not the movie-maker's responsibility to mask what really is inside the Philippines, it was reality.

Open your minds. I would like to stress out the point of Mr. John Arcilla (the Filipino actor who became part of the movie) that we should do something to change it rather than trying to hide something that is so real.

P.S. The movie was great. Watch it.

Convict To Superhero

I was new then. A new inmate of Lamb Fee Tack County Jail. I was in cell A-11 together with a fellow Filipino in his mid-50's. I was advised to engage in small talks to everyone I encounter in that specific county to establish a positive environment with them. Its a good thing to start with my cell mate, and so I asked him what's he in for.

"Two counts of murder." he said and continued, "I'll echo that question back, what you in for?"

I hesitated for a while for I know he would doubt upon hearing my response. I turned my back on him and said, "You wouldn't believe me even if I tell you."

He pulled himself up to a chair, sat comfortably and asked, "Tell me, what's your story?"

"Where should I start?"

"It seems to me, we've got decades to have chats in this shithole partner, might as well begin from your nativity. Oh I love stories."

I do not know what has gotten into this old man's mind that suddenly he's interested with my life story when a few minutes back he was just interested with why I got locked up. Anyway, upon realizing that we indeed have a long long period for stories, I took his challenge.

"25 years ago, on this same day, my mother gave birth to me. You see, I never got the chance to know her, even my father, for that very same day, something tragic happened. Hours after I was born, one sick bastard came in the hospital. He was drunk, hell drunk. He came in looking for his wife. He searched every room, banged every door open. No one could stop him for he brought with him a rifle. Room after room he came searching. He came across our room and he thought that it was her wife sleeping with a man at the bedside. He immediately fired, bang, bang. Two shots, one at my mother's head and one through my father. When he finally realized that he got the wrong persons, he quickly flew and up until now, he is still a fugitive. I grew up hearing these tragic story of my life from my grandmother who raised me."

"I am sorry partner. Please do not continue if it bleeds open the wounds of your heart." he said after hearing just the first part of my story.

I was ready to continue relaying my story but I couldn't stand the look on his face. He was so serious and I could tell that he was so sorry. That's it, I couldn't hold it much further.

"Bwahahahahaha!" I burst into laughters, I literally crawled laughing.

He acted so confused and was puzzled. Then he asked, "What did you find funny?"

"I love it when people dig in to my stories like that. Haha. My mom and dad are at a nursing home 2 years now. I visit them often but I couldn't starting today though. Haha."

I only stopped laughing when he stood up. I thought I was getting a hard hit on the face. He reached for his ass, farted, grabbed me saying, "Take this you scumbag!" He made me smell all the gases he captured with his hands. It was horrible yet I admit, I loved the scent. Haha.

From that day on, we became best buds. I discovered he was kinda like me. He is into nasty stuffs and pranks, and that's my expertise. There are times when we got into trouble though because of throwing gags among our fellow inmates, including the jail guards. Classic. Haha.

It has been 2 years since I got locked up. And out of nowhere, something just hit me right at my head. I thought it was my best bud fart man screwing with me but he was in deep sleep. I wondered what just hit me. I looked down and saw a manual, "Super hero guide." Now that was interesting, it was the basics on how to become a superhero. Woah, I am totally into these kinds of stuffs for when I was young, I was fantasizing to become like superman, batman, and wonder woman, I mean captain america. Haha.

The manual had in it steps to becoming a superhero. I was totally into it that I finished the whole manual in just 10 minutes....Naa, I was just about to start reading. :)

STEP NO. 1: Do not go about wandering and proclaiming you are a superhero. Let the people figure out themselves that you are.

Hmm. After reading the step, I already had doubts if I could do it for I am a person who thinks highly of myself. I do not want others to look down on me. There was once that an inmate asked me what I did. I know that he had murdered 10 people using only a bread knife. Spooky, I could not do that thing. But I composed myself, stared at him and said, "One of my case is that I stared at 15 people, and they just went nuts and started killing themselves." Long years of being imprisoned might let you have difficulty in deciphering what to believe and what not to believe for he immediately took his eyes off me and went his way. Haha. Loser.

Now how am I supposed to let people realize that I am a superhero? Hmm. Should I let my best bud fake a choke and ten-tenenen, here I am to the rescue? Should I push others to fight and then when everyone's looking, I'll be there pretending to calm things down between them?

I dried my brains out thinking yet there was no progress. I looked at fart man and he was asleep still. And so I went near him, rubbed my palms together, and "CLAAAAAAP! CLAAAAAP!" He jerked a few times, startled to lift his body up, and bang! He hit his head with the base of the upper deck. Now that was fun! Haha.

A few months had passed and still, I didn't pass the 1st step. I figured, if I really wanted to be a superhero, I should not fake things. And fart man told me that I should let destiny make me a hero, a real hero. And so I asked fart man who and were destiny was so that I could just choke him or her or whatever to make me a hero. I was serious, I didn't know such thing existed.

"You really have no hopes, just give it up man" he answered with a grin.

I was nearly there at the giving up point when I heard moaning and crying.

"Officer please stop! I didn't do anything I swear!" one voice cried.

"I don't care if you did nothing, I just want to hit and kill you right now. You have no use! All of you here are worthless! No one cares if you live or not. Haha!" another voice said.

Ding-ding-ding! The bell rang and it signals the start of our leisure time. The cells were opened, almost everyone ran out of there respective cells and tracked where the voices were coming from. Then there we were. An inmate of ours bleeding to death, face swelling and the only part you could recognize is his eyes. His eyes looking at us, begging us to help him. It was not new in the county that jail guards and warden just picks someone from the cells and carelessly beats them, without any reason. Since I got in, a total of 24 died. They died even without their families knowing.

"This one will be the 25th I believe" fart man whispered.

I looked at the man being beaten. I felt something weird, I felt an urge to stand up for this person. Without noticing, I was slowly approaching the jail guard. I just realized that I was near when he shouted at me, "What do you want?"

I said, "Stop it please."

He just spat on my shirt and continued to beat him. Out of nowhere my hands just blocked his beating and said firmly, "This has got to stop you fool!" I kicked him right at his stomach. It was so hard that he fell on the floor, unconscious. I carried the person out and lead him to the infirmary. I just saved someone. Now all the other prisoners took my hand, shaked it, and said, "Finally. A hero  was brought to us to free us from sick guards and wardens, from sick systems. A hero that made us realize that we still have rights. And from now on, we will fight for it!"

I just smiled and went back inside my cell. I read again the manual and the 1st step disappeared. Wait, does this mean that I accomplished the 1st step? This manual is really something.

Being a hero should not be enforced. Each of us could be heroes of our own. We just have to stick to what is right and fight for it. We just have to fight for it without stepping the rights of others.This one I learned from the 1st step. It is your time to do the 1st step, man. :)

-Step 2 will be on the next chapter. Coming soon on blogspot.-

Time of Terror

7:17 PM

Hi. This is Ex. Convict's the last. There has been a sudden blackout and it was all pitch dark. I could barely see anything. I was lying comfortably at my couch back then ("my" since I totally own it most of the day) and I was just waiting for my grandfather to connect the emergency light to a battery. He's more of a technical person you see. A few seconds more and there was radiance, there was light. A cousin of mine entered the scene in a while, bringing with him a piece of paper and a pen. He has to formulate a reaction paper he said. That just gave me a push and thought, "Hey, since I do not have anything to be busy with, why don't I write something? A short story perhaps?" I really love writing and stuff but most of the time I find it hard pursuing the urge to write. But this time, I was really up to it. So I went up, turned on the laptop, logged in to my blog, stopped and thought. "What to write, what to write."

8:30 PM

I was just sitting there, thinking. But minutes passed and I still have nothing, writer's block they say. But no, I must write. I must not let this urge go to waste. And so I paused for a while and closed my eyes for me to take the thinking phase one notch higher. All these efforts yielded no ideas at all. Frustrated, I went down, turned the television on and lied flat again at my couch. I have this habit of just scanning the channels from 1 up to 39 (we only had 39 channels) and then back again until I find something that interests me. These includes animals, hilarious stuffs and magic. (Hell yeah I am a fan of magic!) Finally, after sadistically murdering the channel button, I landed on channel 28, the discovery channel. :)

11:30 PM

The episodes on the channel really got my attention so I wasn't able to keep track of the time. Eventually, I yawned and basically when I start to yawn, that's way passed my bed time. So I decided to wash my face. I have this feeling that someone or something is behind me when I close my eyes every time I rinse my face with water. That happens every night, every time. Imagination usually set in as I close my eyes. There are images of those horror buds you see on TV that play with my mind. I often trick myself into thinking other things though and all these times, I really haven't had a real experience. This time, it was different. I was busy rinsing my face and I suddenly felt a hand gripping my right arm. Uh oh, suddenly I can't move my arm. I really couldn't tell what was happening and I had double thoughts of opening my eyes to see what was going on. Seconds later, I took a deep breath, mentally counted until three, and opened my eyes. I didn't see a thing. I was beginning to think that my imagination really got into my senses but when I looked at my arm, there was a mark. A mark of fingers wrapped around, a freakin' red mark. My heart immediately pounded hard, so hard that I could literally hear it without the aid of a stethoscope. I didn't know what to do, so I picked myself up together, made deep breaths, went out of the bathroom, and walked straight through my room, to my bed.

12:30 AM

I didn't understand how my feeling of being just about 15 minutes inside the bathroom was in fact already an hour. But I shook it all off my mind and I prayed the rosary like I do every night. Again, I closed my eyes and started praying alone. As I was getting through the 2nd mystery, I heard soft knocks at my door. I didn't pay much attention for I thought probably it was the rats again. I continued. Again, I heard knocks, this time, it was louder and clearer, and from my side I thought I heard the sound coming from the middle portion of the door. (How in the world could rats possibly reach that portion?) So I paused, stood up, turned on the flashlight on my cellphone, pointed it directly at the door, and investigated. I looked up, down, behind, basically everywhere to find traces of rats. (Believe me, I really needed to see traces of rats for it to calm me down.) I saw nothing at all. I went back to praying for I couldn't do anything else to ease me. All throughout, I heard knocks, scratching of the floors, and all other creepy stuffs. But every time I flashed a light towards the direction where the sounds emerge, they all abruptly vanish. Mysterious huh.

12:55 AM

I figured, my mind's just maybe tired and I should have a good night's sleep now. I lay still with one pillow under my head and two pillows under my legs. I find it most comfortable to sleep that way. As I was nearly falling asleep, I could hear weird noises, Yes, they are back big time. All I did was stayed still, didn't open my eyes even for just a bit, and didn't change my position at all. My intention was just to let myself fall asleep instantaneously and ignore those weird noises even though they really scared the shit out of me. But after some time, I couldn't resist it, and so I stood up. But as I did that, I felt that I was floating. I looked back and that explains why I am floating, I could see my body lying still on my bed. Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy!!! I reasoned out and remembered stuffs about astral projections or something, saying that you have the ability to leave your body and travel places which they say explains "deja vu." I also remembered an article tackling stuffs about lucid something. It says that you could control your dream, just follow these steps: Lie perfectly still, wait until such time that weird noises appear, when it happens, do not move a thing, do not move, and after which you can now travel and create your own dream. These things were insane but it totally freaked me out. I need to get back to my body quick.

1:45 AM

I did almost all of the things I thought would aid me getting back to my body, but I failed. Frustration nearly sets in when I realized, I was not alone. The surrounding area was all dark but I know someone's looking at me. I could glimpse eyes staring at me. Scary eyes.With fear, I called out, "Who goes there?" No one answered. Suddenly I could feel a rush of wind coming towards me and I felt something familiar. I felt that very similar hand gripping my arms again. This is trouble man. Big big trouble. I struggled to let loose my arms from that really tight grip, but that thing just grabbed my head and it held it against its face. I saw the most creepiest thing ever. Its like seeing a person but all you could see are his eyes staring at you so hard as if you are being controlled. Eyes that made me weak and just made me shiver. Literally, it sent shivers down my spine. In a stuttering whisper I asked, "W-w-what do y-y-you want?" It just continued to stare at me and I kinda gave up and said, "Just do whatever you want from me, quick." The thing threw me relentlessly at my bed and because of great fear, I couldn't feel a thing. I tried to get up but this thing just keeps pushing me back. Again I tried with all my might, but I couldn't much this thing's force.

One moment, it just raised its terribly long arms and casted something out. It was a shadow. It was a shadow of an animal, I couldn't really picture it but I could tell it has fangs, large fangs. This might be my end, I would be devoured by an animal. A shadow of an animal actually. What's going to happen to me? I do not know back then. No one knows.

3:00 AM

All this time, a small part of me just hopes that this was all just but a dream. It is true, the one you see in movies, that the character that faces this scene really wishes and hopes that all these things were just part of his dream. I am in no movie, this is really happening, but whenever the thing takes his nasty stare off me, I tend to look at the time from my cellphone and I was really eager for sunrise. All hopes were lost when creepy creatures suddenly appeared out of no where, one brought chains with him. Oh my, I was going to be a captive. Where in the world could they possibly bring me? They chained me, they laughed at me. I do not want to hear those kind of laugh again, if was all horrifying. It kept repeating and repeating in my ears, I think I am going crazy. They dragged me down, all were busy pointing fingers at me. I did not do anything I said. Then they all started to mumble in a language no one knows what, but I could tell by their faces that they said something bad and my life is in danger.

X:XX AM

This time, I have no idea what time it is. They left me in an area. An empty area. An empty and lonely area. With chains on my feet, I started looking for an exit. As I was walking, I could hear whispers. I could hear yells. I could hear shouts of tortured persons. I was so afraid. Then I bumped into a child. She was crying. I was not alone. I told her to stop crying and we would go out  of this mess together. She then held my hands tight, and said in an evil tone, "Who said I would let you go out?" She was slowly crushing my hands and then reached for my chest, my heart, clearly, that was the end, my end.

8:30 PM

Finally, I had an idea about what to write. I was just sitting there, thinking. But minutes passed and I still have nothing, writer's block they say .................................................................................