I Just Know.

I couldn't sleep. I am used to sleeping late recently but this time, I know its different. I have been blogging lately that deals with a variety of stuff and after writing and venting out what I need to say, I suddenly feel great. (Even though only two or three reads it. It's my blog after all, my space.) And I know this time I should air these thoughts and feelings out just to give me a good night's sleep.

Hoping and expecting. Two totally different words. On the early part of my journey I am pretty sure that I was just hoping. I am also pretty sure that everyone who knows me were expecting. And I tried really hard to meet those expectations, their expectations. I came to a point where I pressured myself to achieve what I thought they wanted me to achieve badly. Days and nights I kept thinking about how they would react if I fail and how they would react if its the other way around. To make it short, I was living up to their expectations.

I WAS WRONG.

Just recently, I am already not sure if I was just hoping or I reached the point of being on the thin line that separates hoping from expecting. Then I realized, why did I feel like a failure? Because I wasn't hoping, I expected and that caught me. All this time I wasn't living up to their expectation. I was living up to my own expectation. I created a pressure monster and decided to let it haunt me, myself. All this time I was trying to reach the standards that I myself established and how foolish of me to pass it on to them.

As I have said, hoping and expecting are two different words, totally different words. I misinterpreted them hoping being them expecting. I could see now that hoping is a good thing. You see, when you hoped you would do this and in the end you didn't, you still feel good about yourself. But when you expected and didn't have it, you'll end up feeling like a failure. You'll end up not noticing the wonderful events that take place in your life.

You'll end up being like me. Yes, I was so caught up thinking I was a complete failure. I didn't even for a second notice the great things He has given me, most especially a wonderful family.

My mom hoped. (I know because I happened to bump to one of her text messages to someone.) For a while I thought she was disappointed but she was not. She just hoped but still felt good about the outcome. It was evident for she made it a point to celebrate the night and she even talked about how much a lechon would cost. (Mom, I am still not changing my mind about not getting one though. :D) And she texted almost everyone she had numbers with and said she was so proud.

My dad hoped. (I just know. He isn't a vocal type of dad but I know.) I also thought he'd be disappointed but he was not. He took my hand, gripped it real hard. (It's his way of saying, "Way to go, kiddo!") And he didn't stop bugging my mom telling her to text his side of the relatives. And I know he is proud and not disappointed because his FB status said so. :)

Grandpa hoped. (I know because he asked me if I got in.) He was never disappointed. He rubbed my head and genuinely smiled. (His way of saying, "That's alright.")

Timmy hoped. (I know because she said so. :P) She was not disappointed, at all. She made sure I never felt bad and never again with her silly jokes and encouragements.

All of you hoped. (I know because you believed in me.) But you were not disappointed. I thought you were, but I thought wrong. At the point in my life where I felt I failed, you were there backing me up. Helping me put my feet back on the ground, as the song goes. :)

I didn't publish this to gain sympathy. I published this to express my gratitude to God, to my family, to you. And I published this to make you learn things I just learned. 

"View the world in different perspectives, not just your own personal perspective. You are not a failure, you just wanted to look at things that way. Try looking at things differently, you'll see."